Citing the fact that computers are regularly used in all manor of crimes, House Republicans plan to introduce three new laws to prevent identity thieves, child molesters and terrorists from gaining easy access to computers and the Internet.
The first measure will outlaw all wireless networks. “Both terrorists and child molesters use unsecured or poorly secured wireless networks to gain anonymous access to the Internet. The banning of this form of access is a small price to pay for keeping children and the nation safe. It’s just not that hard to plug in when you need access”, said one new member of the house who asked that his identity be withheld until the measure is introduced.
Although details have not been finalized, the second measure will probably require Federal registration of all computers and mobile phones. By linking the device’s electronic address (MAC address) to the owner, investigators will be able to quickly link chat room traffic, Internet posts, and all other Internet traffic to the author. This has the potential of catching not only child molesters – but identity thieves and terrorists as well.
The final measure will probably be the most controversial: The nearly complete isolation of the US portion of the Internet from the rest of the world. Only “trusted and verified” servers will be permitted through the new “National Firewall”. Lawmakers believe that this drastic action is required because all terrorist organizations and many identity theft rings are based overseas.
When asked if he thought civil liberties groups would object to the legislation, the source said, “We believe that law abiding, patriotic Americans will support these common sense measures, and that they will withstand review by the courts.”